I’ve looked at love from both sides now
It has been many months since my last blog post. I have now passed that inconceivable milestone of five years.
My husband has been dead for five years (and one month).
I have been writing and sharing, but now mostly within the confines of a grief group of authentic and supportive women. There I know there is no judgement about still feeling grief or pain or sadness or anger. Here I judge myself for still feeling all of those things and expect others will too.
I recently have begun to feel at a crossroads almost. As if at five years it’s time to decide.
Do I continue to build a life alone, content to never have love again in my life and consciously decide to follow that path wherever it leads. Find joys in ways that are meaningful. Do all the things that make me happy not considering anyone else.
God that sounds awful.
Or do I get real honest with myself and admit it would be miraculous and wonderful to find partnership and love again, knowing what kind of effort and energy is required to make that happen?
ugh, so much inner and outer work required.
I can talk myself into or out of either choice on any given day. Sometimes arguing both sides on the same day, which I’m sure brings him great pleasure to see, he doesn’t have to physically be here for me to have a good argument.
On most days I tell myself alone or not, the feelings of restlessness at the very same time as inertia may not change with the infusion of another person. The shaky ground I still feel I’m walking may never change. When your gravity, the thing or person who tethers you to earth is taken from you, there is a good chance you will never have solid footing again.
I don’t wonder can I love another person again, I know I can because I have already
felt that. I wonder can I bring another person into the uncertainty of my life now.
Do I want to have to consider someone else in my future plans? Maybe. It is actually a scary place to be in, when every choice, every decision is yours and yours alone. It is a real test of free will. For the first three years I was all gut. Every decision was about what it told me, how it felt. The last two have been more head and a little heart. I can’t say one is better or has been more fruitful or yielded better results. I believe in the early years all you have is your gut, your head is way too busy grieving as is your heart. Now it’s almost like experiencing the shift from childhood to adulthood again. Time to use your head Kate, be smart, trust the facts do what is expected of you- be an adult. I have no conclusions yet, I guess I’m still waiting for him to pick a side so I can vehemently argue against it, which would inevitably lead me to a decision.
