Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand

This post will most likely ramble and amble on as I have a lot to say, a lot that's been on my mind and needs to get onto the page.

I can't sit still and at the same time I can't move.

What I mean is that no move, no decision feels right in the big sense of oh yes this is where I'm headed, yes this is the path.

The weeks are passing.

Workdays when I don't have to think about being alone.

When the hours are filled with problems and solutions and constant reminders that I am doing okay but I am by no means who and where I used to be.

Evenings settle in and the routine is virtually the same as it used to be except I am alone.

Put work behind me, eat something, watch some tv, go to bed.

Start over again tomorrow.

Except there isn't the warmth of anyone else, in the kitchen, on the sofa, in the bed.

There is very little physical human contact in this life I am living.

Unexpected realization how much humans gain from touch until you are missing it.

Hugs, hand holding, pats on the back, missing all of it.

I just passed the three year mark- anniversary isn't a word I like to attach to the day he died.

I spent most of that day on a plane trying to get home from a week away for work. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and never get up.

I cried all the way home, hiding under a baseball cap and sunglasses. I'm used to crying in public, I am no longer uncomfortable doing it, but I know it makes other people uncomfortable to witness it.

I think I now cry as much for him and I do for me.

By that I mean, there are always the tears directly related to the physical loss of this man I loved.

There are now an equal amount of tears for me, my self-pity tears.

The life I don't have any more.

The unconditional support I don't have any more.

The tie-breaker when I could talk myself into either side of a decision.

The sofa warmer.

The hand holder.

And then the weekends come.

They are supposed to be relaxing and restorative.

A time to recharge for the week ahead.

What they usually are is lonely.

I try to busy myself with chores and walks and phone calls.

But they are just reminders of all the things I don't have anymore.

And this is where the sit still/move comes into play for real.

Intellectually, I know that I can change some of this.

I can be involved, be proactive, go places.

But I'm stuck. I busy myself with nothingness, and I don't move myself forward.

I've been alone now in a real way for 2 years, since I left Seattle.

And I don't think I am very good at being social anymore.

I am desperate to not be alone, and yet I am stymied at how to join in again.

I'm still dealing with so much trauma that I feel like I give off the stink of sadness.

Can strangers sense my deep sadness and does my desperation to belong somewhere ooze from my pores?

I have to have a medical procedure next Friday, Valentine's Day. They asked me if I was okay with that, as it is an unpleasant procedure. I said it was fine I had no plans.

I was pretty proud I held it together, and then...

"You need to have someone pick you up, you cannot get into a taxi or Uber alone".

I just broke down in the scheduler's office. I said I don't have anyone to come get me. I said I was new to the city (still sort of true) and I am a childless widow.

She said keep the appointment and see what you can work out, I'm sure you have someone, you just don't know it until you ask.

And you know what, for fuck's sake she was right.

I had breakfast with one of my oldest and only friends here in the city and as soon as I mentioned it she said of course she would be there for me.

She would be there for me.

So maybe I'm not as alone as I think I am, I just have to crawl out of my shell (natural and devoted Cancerian) and look around.

I'm not sure how that will feel, or how well I can commit to it.

What I do know is the things I want, things I crave are within my power to manifest.

Sofa Warmers

Current mood